Toxic positivity: What is it and why is it bad?

First of all, I love positivity and consider myself a positive person so the idea of Toxic positivity didn’t initially make sense to me. How could something positive be toxic? Eventually it was explained to me in a way that made sense.

It is less about positivity being toxic and more about ignoring pain being toxic.

Toxic positivity can be an internalized issue where you ignore your own struggles by telling yourself things like “others have it worse” or “at least I have xyz”. These messages are dismissive of valid pain and struggles that exist for individuals.

So why is it good for us to emphasize our pain?

On an individual level emphasizing our pain helps us release internalized pressure. Too much pressure can make us burn out and express it in unhealthy ways, so slowly releasing the pressure by talking about struggles helps avoid that. Expressing our pain also helps us take better care of ourselves by validating our need for comfort and self-care. When focusing only on the positive it can be difficult to notice the need for comfort or seek it. This can lead us to getting burned out without realizing it.

How does expressing pain help relationships?

Miscommunication is impossible to avoid in relationships, but sharing struggles helps a partner to understand when comments are coming from hurt rather than hate. Many times couples will share that a big fight started from a single comment that was misunderstood as an attack when really it was coming from a place of fear or hurt. Communicating that you feel hurt/afraid can help avoid bigger fights. Also, being too positive can be dismissive to a partners hurt. If someone is sharing the depth of their pain and are met with positivity it can feel minimizing and like they aren’t being understood.

Hopefully this blog sheds some light on what the term toxic positivity is and how sometimes being too positive can actually be unhealthy.